Prioritizing Yourself: How to Set Boundaries

One thing that I’ve always struggled with is putting others before myself. Or, rather, I’ve been very good at putting others before myself. I remember it became so bad that I once had a client who would go about 30-40 minutes over our scheduled time every week. I was at a loss for what to do. There was no way I was going to tell them that they could no longer share or what they had to say was unimportant. It was at this point that I was advised by my supervisor at the time to set a boundary.

Sure, I talked to clients all the time about this concept and could explain it to anyone who asked but to actually do it myself. Yeah that wasn’t for me.

So it continued. The client would continue to bleed into other people’s appointments, but the thought of cutting him off made my skin crawl. One day I decided (or rather my supervisor decided) that enough was enough. We practiced ways to approach the situation to actually set a boundary. 

Maybe you’re like me and hate confrontation and have always tactfully avoided setting boundaries. But it was through this experience that I began to learn the power of setting boundaries.

What exactly are boundaries? Sure, it’s a buzz-word that people use all the time to talk about their relationships. But it’s more than that. Boundaries are lines that we draw with others, situations, and ourselves, that help us respect ourselves. 

When I used to think of boundaries, I would think that it is something you tell someone else that you will no longer put up with. Maybe that’s partially true, but the great thing about boundaries is that you don’t always have to explicitly tell someone that your boundary exists. 

For example, if I was tired of having to pick up after others not doing their job at work, I might just stop doing the extra work. Instead of taking on the burden of others I can instead respect my own time and energy.

Sometimes, though, it is important to talk through boundaries with people. Going back to my situation with my client, I knew that I’d have to explicitly confront this situation. I let the individual know that it was important to continue respecting the time of other clients and myself, so we decided to set a timer that would remind us of this conversation near the end of sessions.

Although this was anxiety-inducing for me, it presented a growth opportunity for my client and myself. We were able to have more challenging conversations from there and a stronger therapeutic relationship.

These might seem like light examples if you are thinking about setting a boundary with a parent, a spouse, or children. But this still applies: you are important and deserve to be respected! We are the ones who are responsible for making that happen. 

So how do we set boundaries?

First, I recommend identifying where you feel like you, your time, or your energy are not being respected. Does someone heavily rely on you to do the chores at home? Does someone consistently talk to you in a demeaning way? Does someone use your items without asking?

When you can clearly state what you need to yourself, that makes it so much easier to identify how to respond.

Second, ask yourself: do I need to have a conversation with this person or these people? If the answer is no, then identify what you need to do to change your own behavior in the situation.

If the answer is yes, I do need to have a conversation with someone, then approach it confidently. This is why step one is so important; you need to know what you want to get out of the conversation. How many times have you wanted to talk about something but then it goes on tangents and instead of asking for help with chores you end up talking about your plans for next Tuesday? Or even worse, you get into an argument.

If I know that I want to talk to my spouse about then I can borrow one of my favorite tools from DBT: DEARMAN.

These first four parts (DEAR) of the acronym are the “What.” That is, what do you do to be more effective in communication? The last three parts (MAN) of the acronym are the “How.” More specifically, how can you do this effectively?

D: Describe. 

It is important that you are able to describe the situation that has led to the conversation using factual statements.

E: Express

How does the situation make you feel? Ensure that you are using “I” statements like “I feel angry when…”

A: Assert

Explicitly state what you want. It’s easy for us to assume that by following the previous two steps, the other person/people will understand what you want/need. That is not always the case and it is best that we clearly state what we need in the situation.

R: Reinforce

At this point, it is helpful to talk about the benefits of getting what you are asking for or how it will help you. For example, with my situation from earlier, I might be able to talk about how it will make me feel relieved that I am no longer cutting into other people’s time by having longer sessions.

M: Mindful

It is very helpful to remain mindful of what your goal of conversation is. It is very easy in most conversations to get sidetracked by a thought but during conversations like these, it is important to remain steadfast to your goals.

A: Appear Confident

Having these conversations can be really challenging, but you can make it easier by appearing confident. Having the appearance that you’ve thought through what you are saying often gets more respect than fumbling through asking for what you need.

N: Negotiate

Finally, be willing to compromise in a way that will help you still get what you want.

One of my passions and one of the things that I have the most experience with is working with individuals struggling with addiction. In my work with this population, I have come to understand how much boundaries make a difference, not only for my clients but also their families. Setting a boundary does not make you a burden to others, it simply gives others a better understanding of how to interact with you in a way that fits your needs. Those who truly care about you will respect your boundaries even if it means making an adjustment or, in some cases, a sacrifice.

I encourage you to practice setting boundaries in order to work on caring for yourself more! It may be easier to start off with something low stakes and slowly building your way up. Like anything, the more you do it, the easier it gets.